Men who marry a child take on a variety of emotions to take on new responsibilities. Your motives may be very different from the motives that make men responsible for his own children.
As a new husband, you may react to your "instant" family, feeling from admiration, fear to contempt. You may even think that you are not as good as a father. The new stepfather usually enters a family headed by a mother. When a mother and her child form a single-parent family, she tends to learn autonomy and self-confidence. Her children do more work at home, and they have more responsibility in family decision-making than in parents. These are good things, but to enter such a family, you must enter a closed group in your own way. On the one hand, mother and child have a common history, one that has not yet included your history.
Moving into your wife's house can make you feel like a "strange person." It may take a few months to feel comfortable and at home. In fact, initially, when the stepfather entered the mother and child, the stepfather's rights were indeed less than those of the stepchildren, especially the adolescents.
You may find it inappropriate to have a different background or a different view of your family life. For example, after years of single-parent family life, both mothers and children may have developed a housework distribution system. As a newcomer, especially if you take on a traditional male role in the remarriage of two people, you may complain that you have not made enough contributions. Or, although you think it is helpful to not interfere, your actions may be seen as unwilling to contribute.
The "hidden agenda" is one of the first difficulties the stepfather encountered: the mother, her child, or both may have expectations for what you are going to do, but may not give you a clear idea of what these expectations are. You may have your own hidden agenda. You may see your new stepchild being spoiled and unruly and decide they need discipline. Or, you may find that after years of privacy, a bustling house full of children disrupts your daily life.
Part of the step-by-step hidden agenda is the extent to which they let you play the father. Children can stick to their aversion or embarrassment to their stepfather, or they may be ready and eager to accept you as a "new father."
Stepfathers tend to be more alienated and separated than the stepmother, which is not necessarily a bad thing. In order to have a viable relationship with your stepchild, especially in the early stages of your marriage, some detachment may be needed. Adolescents may be mature enough to treat you as the mother's husband, not the stepfather. Adolescents and young children may be reluctant to become "children" again - that is, depending on the direction of the adult and affected by it. For you, they may seem spoiled, not disciplined, not mature. Try to remember that as part of a single-parent family, they may encourage their responsibilities and participate in decision-making. Mom, children and your hidden agenda may involve simple questions in everyday life such as food preferences, personal space and division of labor.
Discipline can be particularly tricky for everyone. There are now two parents, not one parent, who make family rules and influence their behavior, but you and your spouse may disagree. The second question may be the influence of the father. For you, sometimes it seems that there are three parents instead of two parents - especially if the non-custodial father sees the child regularly - the father is more influential than the stepfather. The key is that everyone has to work together.
You can react to all of them in one of four ways. First of all, you may be driven away. Second, you may control yourself, position yourself as the undisputed family leader, and force former single-parent families to adapt to your preferences. Third, you may be able to integrate into a mother-led family and have a relatively small impact on how things are handled. Fourth, you, your new wife, your stepchildren and their non-custodial fathers can negotiate new ways of doing things by keeping in mind and incorporating the information you will learn - this is the most positive choice for everyone.
Ok. Now you have a good feeling about what everyone is going through. How do you start making it better? When your new family begins to emotionally come together and learn how to work together, how can you give yourself a breather to breathe? How many years can this process take? First of all, you must be very clear about what you want and want from this marriage and the individuals involved, including yourself. What are your wishes? What do your spouses need to be physically and emotionally supported? In a positive and positive way, it's time to elaborate, negotiate, and agree on how you expect and how you and your partner will behave.
The best marriage is a flexible marriage. But how can you be flexible if you don't know you, where your spouses and children are, and what everyone needs now? Demand will change over time. There must be room for change. People's changes and commitments will not stop change. People who swear never change often try to hide their personal growth from each other, and of course lose their intimacy. Those who are inflexible and unable to change may leave a permanent but stale relationship.
In a flexible marriage, partners are more free to reveal their evolving self and the part of themselves that no longer fit the old model. Even if the external framework of your life changes, you and your partner must continue to maintain a deep emotional connection. The more you know, the more you grow. You can't know what you know now when your new family starts and learn later. The flexibility of your relationships will drive growth rather than separating them.
Keep in touch with your expectations and encourage each family member to do the same so that you can compare and negotiate differences. Your goals and your partner will actively begin to define and build healthy, supportive relationships. Talk about specific issues. Just because you can't predict some problems, don't let it hinder processing them now.
For those who are getting married again, although they want marriage to work, they are still reluctant to fully engage in emotions. This is not uncommon. Your first marriage and divorce struggle may leave scars. If there is no public recognition and cure, past failures, rejections, loss and guilt will destroy new intimacy, and neither of you understand what is going on. One way to unleash these feelings is to share them and let your partner do the same thing safely. Each of you needs to feel safe, respected, confident in yourself, and feel as comfortable as possible in the new family unit.
You may feel "conflict taboos" more than the first marriage. It is understandable that you want this marriage to come true. You may think that "combat scars" open "a can of worms." Therefore, you can hide the differences that need to be broadcast and resolve differences, and you may not hesitate to wage war in your first marriage. Avoiding playing your differences is a serious mistake. Knowing the needs of yourself and your partner is important to you because society doesn't know how the step family should work. Unless you talk about your expectations, they may not be practical.
Orignal From: Help with Step-Dad issues
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