When my husband and I first introduced each other to our children, we all said alive, and I thought, "This will be a breeze." After all, the first meeting was going well. They smile at me. I smiled at them. My husband smiles at my children. My children have returned this busy. When they mentioned that they felt like "evil stepmothers", or when they mentioned that the image of the mixed family depicted by the Brady Bunch character was not accurate, I wanted to know what people were talking about. Since my husband and I are completing the last lap of our first year of marriage, I have become more realistic in the process of merging two lives.
In mixed families, pain often has something in common. Often, each family spends a major life-changing event through family disintegration. Even if the problem that led to the disintegration seems to be resolved, or the disintegration itself is a major source of relief, all parties still need to make many adjustments. One of the biggest problems seems to be adapting to new family members. This adjustment applies to adults and children. Although the children are adjusting to spend more time away from their parents, they must also begin to adapt to the presence of new parents in their lives. On the other hand, adults are learning how to be parents with new partners.
In many mixed families, there are usually stepfathers and siblings on both sides of the family. This dynamic will certainly increase another level of adjustment that must occur. As a stepmother, my child also has a stepmother. I have learned a lot about adult parents. I have learned the importance of patience because all members are adapting to new life situations. I understand the importance of communicating with my current husband and keep in touch with my ex-husband. Most importantly, I have learned the importance of not letting the child's biological parents pass through invisible [sometimes not so invisible]. I share this knowledge with you so that you are less likely to find out that you want to know how you are going wrong.
Main element - respect
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I cannot exaggerate the importance of respecting respect in a mixed family, and this is more accurate in terms of children. Keep in mind that children may have a degree of loyalty to both parents, which is usually normal. It is absolutely devastating for children when they feel they have to choose between parents and parents or choose between parents and parents. If this is the case, it is up to the parents to decide to respect their former spouse, their current spouse and their former spouse's current spouse. This is not easy. In fact, it seems completely impossible. But as parents, we need to be prepared to take on these daunting tasks. We need to put our feelings aside [even if we feel that our feelings are completely reasonable] and pay attention to our children. Imagine if you hear someone saying that you are very negative or devalued to your dearest friend. how do you feel? Our children may feel the same. Love someone, like someone, respect someone differently. So even if we don't necessarily like them, we can imitate respect for others. Even in the face of disagreements or stress, parents need to find a way to imitate respect for others.
Space - give kids a chance to find you
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The next one in my list of suggestions is the space concept, which is the cousin of the time concept. Parent-child relationships take time to develop. When we were introduced to children who are about to become future, we seem to ignore this. We want to love them. We hope that they love us. We want it now. I can admit that when your stepchildren take time off to return to another home in their home, you are very difficult and embarrassed, and you are not sure if you should reach out to embrace them or wait for them to reach out and embrace you. I've been there. However, when I stepped back, set my own needs aside, and allowed the kids to contact me at their own time, it seemed that I got more positive results. I have to give them space. The same is true of my own children. They also need space. Few things are easier to observe than an adult who forced him to have a baby. If an adult is forcing feelings, then they usually try to comfort their needs and insecurities, not those children. Our stepchildren don't owe us a hug, but insist that they be given to a person. I found that if I allowed the children to take the lead, the feelings I received were completely true and sincere. This means a lot to this stepmother. There are many ways to convey a warm feeling without forcing physical contact. Remember that the connection between parents and children has evolved throughout the child's life. Don't expect mixed family relationships to become strong and active immediately. Time is a key factor.
Tags and titles - another sensitive theme
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We live in a society where the title seems to be crucial. The title conveys respect, achievement, status and career and more. We also use the title in the family. Our children learn the names of people from a very young age, and it is important to use these tags in our interactions with others. For example, I would not dream of calling my mother with her name. If I do, I will be very sorry [in many ways]. The same is true of my grandparents, aunts, uncles, teachers and other authoritative people.
In most cases, the labels and titles are good. As mentioned earlier, they convey the depth of respect and relationships. However, sometimes headlines can cause friction, confusion or stress. This is often the case in mixed homes. The first thing that children usually establish with their parents is how to solve parental steps. Sometimes children make this decision, just giving their parents a name. As long as the title is respectful, as long as there is no problem with adults participating in it, it is almost harmless for children to decide how to refer their new parents. In my case, my son just started calling her husband with his name, because this is what he heard other people doing. If I insist that he calls my current husband "Dad", that would be another matter. Not only will my son's biological father feel completely unrespected, but my son will be a bit confused.
It may be difficult for young children to distinguish between countless situations that make someone a father or mother. They usually don't understand prefixes like "steps," so if we keep it simple, we're actually helping them. I have heard about families where parents have sat down, discussing their feelings about titles and labels, and developing together. I have also heard that parents help their children to decide their new parent's name, neither their name nor their mother or father. For all participants, this seems to be a very positive experience.
Step-by-step parenting is not easy, but once again, any form of parenting is not easy. Every step has potential mines, many of which seem invisible. However, as time went by, the mines became more visible and eventually began to fade. In the meantime, relax, build respect and be one of your main goals.
Orignal From: Step Parenting Guide - How to make sure you don't cross the line
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