My wife is a step - parents so I asked her: "What have you learned in the mixed family?" [Actually, I asked her more and wanted to list three or five ideas, but I am grateful to have one. ]
My wife came up with this:
You know, this is not fair. This is unfair to children, stepparents or parents of children. This is not fair to anyone. The parents of the step and the parents of the child made a choice [this may not be, reflection, is wise], but the children do not have such luxury. Remember that you made a choice; I did it. Maybe we don't fully understand this choice, but we did it, we need to respect it, which means we need to admit that it is sometimes unfair - but we need to know that it is unfair to everyone.
I have lived with my wife for seven years, and I have to agree with her whether or not I have children. There was a time when I thought, "This is not fair!" But when I explore these issues - usually from three perspectives, each unique person's point of view - and, almost without exception, everyone exists A lot of unfairness.
For me, as a husband and father, I struggled between loyalty. I know that my wife should get the first loyalty, but I also feel sorry for my children, because they are not always considered to be what I should feel. I often feel the meat in the sandwich.
For my wife, as a stepfather and spouse, it is often impossible, because there is a value conflict, she believes that lack of respect, which angered her. She often lives because she feels misunderstood and disabled.
For my children, as young people grow up in the best way, they often feel misunderstood and incapable. This is also frustrating.
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All family members need to feel that there are some justice processes or structures in the family. This is about roles and respect. Parents and stepparents have a role to manage family and family parameters. They need to be respected, but they also need to make sure they respect their children.
The best parents respect the child and let the child learn how to respect the parents first hand.
Parents have work to do and create a just family culture through respect. When respected, it is absolutely returned. As parents, we need to stick to it.
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A mixed family situation is unfair to anyone, but the key is to look at unfairness from the perspective of others. Then, we trade more safely and with greater respect.
©2014 SJ Wickham.
Orignal From: Mixed family - "It's not fair!"
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