Always ask the turtle

"Always ask the tortoise"

~Gloria Steinem

Writer and feminist movement leader Gloria Steinem often shares her class with her audience at the university. When she found a giant snapping turtle, Gloria took her geological class to the Connecticut River for a field trip. The giant tortoise climbed out of the river and climbed a dirt road in the mud of another embankment.

It seems to be crawling on the road and may be confused by passing vehicles. Pay attention to the safety of the turtle Gloria, and drop the heavy and angry snapping turtle from the embankment and return to the road. When her geology professor arrived, she just put the turtle back in the river and asked her what she was doing.

The proud Gloria shared everything she did. The professor said: "You know that the turtle may have spent a month climbing the dirt road, putting its eggs in the mud on the roadside, and then putting it back into the river." Gloria told She felt terrible later, but she learned a very valuable lesson, "Always ask the tortoise."

Dependency definition

The definition of interdependence is so concerned with the problems and needs of others, we forget our health and emotional health. Interdependence feels that another problem needs to be solved. Relevant people think they need help, and those in need can't make the right decisions or take the right actions to solve their own problems. Without mutual dependence, the disaster of the other party is guaranteed.

Common red flag

• Put your thoughts, feelings and needs before you.
• Feel that you are giving more in your relationship than you are back.
• Finding your feelings of care and love turns into resentment, because you feel that you have given too much and are not appreciated.
• The ability to say "no" when "no" is reasonable.
• There is a substantial sense of insecurity in the relationship and there is little reason to believe that there is a danger of ending this relationship.
• Experience rejection sensitivity. This is the irrational belief that others are unfavorable to us.
• No one likes to be rejected, but those who suffer from common dependence are unfairly hurt by the contempt of others. When it does not exist, they often see rejection.
• Feel that this relationship is "out of control" or that you are "out of control."
• Unless another person is in your life, you will not feel good. People with shared reliance have great fear of abandonment.
• It is not possible to set the appropriate boundaries in the relationship. The border is where a person ends and a person begins. The border is basically respect and courtesy.
• Regardless of the frequency of verification, verification can be felt in the relationship.
• Unhealthy tolerance for speech, sexual or physical abuse. People who depend on it tend to treat abuse as the best or predictable.
• Even if most of the good feelings have left, even if there is serious abuse, it is impossible to leave this relationship under any circumstances.
• Repeatedly acting in a public but less obvious way.

Remember Dad's little angel, Charlie and Veruca Salt at the Chocolate Factory? Directly speaking, Veruca is spoiled. She ruthlessly controlled her father, Henry Salt, and lost her temper at the place where she yelled. "I want it now!" Mr. Salt runs a nutshell factory. When Veruca asked for a gold ticket to the chocolate factory, Mr. Salt instructed all his employees to "bomb" thousands of Wonka bars to find the ticket.

Salt, Veruca's father, a tolerant parent shared many interdependent features. E.g:

• When "no", you can't tell Veruca "no".
• Consider Veruca's needs first before he and his career.
• Unhealthy tolerance for Veruca's temper.
• Unable to establish proper boundaries with Veruca.

In a mixed family, parents who rely on their parents are likely to adopt a tolerant parenting style. A tolerant parent may be hidden by guilt by letting the child divorce. Children need love and understanding. Not setting boundaries without telling your child that "no" can't replace love and affection. What children need is healthy interdependence rather than interdependence.

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